On Friday, tragedy struck my family. I was with my son grocery shopping (Abi was at a sports camp) when I got the first text and voicemail. My 3 month old nephew Caleb had stopped breathing during naptime and had been rushed to the ER. My next notification was that his brain was swelling due to lack of oxygen and chest fluid and it didn't look good. The final word came through text from my Mom:
"His heart stopped beating and they are taking him off the breathing machine. Chris & Stephanie are holding him for the last time. My heart is breaking."
I was in the car with my husband and my kids when I read the text. I gasped, grabbed Jeff's arm and started crying. I didn't expect it. I mean I had read the texts I had heard he was "not doing well" but I mean he was at the hospital and babies don't die, not in America. Time from the first text to the last was roughly 4 hours.
Even as I type this I am unsure what I want to tell you. I want to tell you that I didn't know Caleb well. I wasn't his mom, but his aunt, and since I am not really a "baby person" I was just kind of waiting for him to grow up to know him. Now I won't have that chance. It is sad, but as sad as his death is in general, my heart aches for my brother and sister-in-law. They don't deserve this. They deserve to be happy. They know he is with Jesus, and yet they won't get to watch him grow up, won't get to, ... well, anything. I look at my own kids and my heart aches, I imagine how my life would look without them; "incomplete" is certainly one word that comes to mind, and "truly tragic" is another phrase.
How does this change me? I pray it makes me a more mindful parent, one that won't take my kids for granted, one that keeps my priorities in order. I pray for God's wisdom for me in the midst of the heartache my family is going through. You never know if you will have a tomorrow, and if you do if it will be as you thought. My greatest fear is being realized by my brother and I tear up (sometimes all out crying) when I think about his loss. In spite of his grief he posted the following on facebook the night Caleb died:
"March 6th, my wife and I were given a blessing, we met Caleb Neel. While he came into this world premature he had and incredible personality from the start. Though our hearts are screaming in anguish we take immense comfort in knowing with absolute certainty that Caleb is with our Savior this very day."
I still can't read it without doing so through tears.
I cried for your family's loss once again as I read this. It was such a shock! And all happened so fast. You're right, babies don't die! Or at least that is our mind set here in America. One of my greatest fears when I had each of my children was that something like this would happen. I couldn't wait for their first birthday because I had always heard if they make it to that milestone you were pretty much home free. Silly, I know. But, gratefully, I never had to face that heartache. I am praying for your family and I know they're only words but time does heal. Praise the Lord!
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